shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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