His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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