I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
