i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
