More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
