I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize