We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
