I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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