At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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