it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
