i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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