I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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