apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
