my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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