I am midnight drunk by noon
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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