the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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