There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I am midnight drunk by noon
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
