I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
