I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
