I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize