If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
