Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm too high and old for this...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize