literally had 100 drinks last night.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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