Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
