you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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