I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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