i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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