I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize