what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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