Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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