I just pynch a tree in the face
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
