Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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