my mouth tastes like poor choices
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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