She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
