No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
