Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
