So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
