Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Found the puke drawer
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
