I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
