I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
