i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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