I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Come share oat with me in your robe
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