The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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