Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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