Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
