She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
