rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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