For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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