I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
