Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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