we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
