Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
