I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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