I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
