I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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