She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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