saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I FOUND THE LEGS
Randomize
