i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
