Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
